; IVAN

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Reluctant, short of breath, he opened the trunk, slowly, and shined the flashlight inside. The dark-haired woman's crumpled body was there surrounded by broken glass, as he'd feared. He quickly closed the trunk and gazed about, fearful someone had seen his dark secret.

He awoke abruptly, cold, nauseated, shivering despite the number of blankets covering him. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to chase the frightening image, which remained clear. The hair at the back of his neck was wet, as were his armpits and the back of his knees. It was four in the morning. It was the fifth consecutive night he had been awakened at this precise hour. Tears came to his eyes. He was frustrated and confused.

He dressed quickly, everything at his fingertips in the tiny apartment. He locked his door and went to the carpark. The night was frigid, the area deserted. His teeth were chattering as he approached the small car. He took a flashlight from the car and opened the trunk, slowly. Although he feared it might happen, he felt an urge to check. He was no longer able to assure himself that it was just a dream. It was too real to be fake.

He sighed upon finding the trunk empty. Again tears filled his eyes. Why was he having this dream? It made no sense. Why wasn't he having dreams of his mother's long, agonizing death by cancer, which still, after two years, often occupied his waking hours?Unable to sleep, he tried to analyze the dream, which he'd been having for months. He was unable to bring the woman's face into focus. He knew only that she was dark-haired, which made sense, as this was the type to whom he was most attracted, dark like himself. Even the car was a blur, as only the trunk was seen. He sensed, however, that it was his. Was he only to discover and not murder the woman or did he want her dead? Living alone the last two years had not afforded the fulfillment he had expected. Would bitterness drive him to murder? Had he already killed while sleepwalking? Again he was nauseated.

The alarm sounded just as he had been about to drop off to sleep. His breakfast consisted of several cups of black coffee, heavily sugared, as his mother had liked it. As he was dipping a cookie into it, a cockroach crawled across the table. He squashed it with the flat of his fist, cursing angrily. He sprayed and sprayed and was unable to get rid of the vermin. He feared he would be stricken with cancer before they were vanquished.

He did not perform well in the classroom, mind and body too tired to summon the energy to inspire students to an appreciation of Geography. They stared blankly, apparently too bored even to misbehave. He questioned whether he had ever been a good teacher. He was afraid the nightmare was affecting his waking hours.After dismissal he went to the school library to research works he would be covering in weeks to come. Before he knew it, night had fallen.

"Excuse me," he heard as he approached the main exit. An attractive, dark-haired woman approached."My name's Barbara Hilton. I'm the new dance teacher. I was wondering if you'd mind walking me out to my car.

""No," he said, tense, voice sticking in his throat.He was unable to offer more than one-word responses to her small talk.

Fortunately, she was talkative. They did not suffer a lengthy, embarrassing silence. He had decided to stop trying to communicate with women, having failed with several approaches. He did not think he was unattractive, but he believed he lacked whatever the opposite sex was seeking. He was 35 and he doubted he would ever marry. He was sure the young woman thought him odd, and he was not sure she was not right.

"Thanks," she said, smiling beautifully as they reached her car. "I didn't get your name.

"George Daniel" he said.

" Thank you, George. Goodnight. I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot of each other." she replied.

At home he sprawled onto the couch, which opened into his bed, and watched television. He soon dozed off to sleep.Then suddenly, he woke up screaming, the dream more vivid than ever. This time the corpse had a face.The face of Barbara Hilton. He clutched at his chest. On the screen before him a man was placing the body of a woman into the trunk of a car. He'd seen the episode before. Was it the story that horrified him or did it arouse something buried in his subconscious? Or had the murder occurred in another lifetime?

The thought that he may have been a murderer was very disturbing. He was able to imagine himself as a caveman man killing for survival but not simply for the sake of it, as the dream suggested. Were his years of devotion to his mother and his profession merely penance for past crimes?

The next day he stopped at a supermarket after school. It was extremely crowded and noisy. He hated such confusion. He went to buy coffee . He could survive a day without food, but coffee was his passion. He had at least two pots a day.

After a few days, he could not take it anymore.His dreams were killing him and so he decided to see a dcotor. The doctor listened quietly. George told the doctor everything. He had few friends. He had been working since the age of 14, helping his family,who were very poor. His spare time had been spent in study. He did very well academically. His brothers, both older than he, put in 18-hour days at the restaurant they owned in town. Now that his mother was dead, he saw them only during holidays.

"I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone," he said, seated at the edge of the couch, too tense to lay back. "It's so frustrating. Maybe I've already killed someone.".

"I'll tell you what," said the doctor. "I'll have someone look over the unsolved murder files to see if there's anything in there resembling your dream. It may make you feel better initially to know there isn't, but the root of the dream is what's really troubling you. As I get to know you better, I'll be able to help you analyze it."

"I know it's crazy, but I'm starting to believe it's my destiny to fulfill the dream if I haven't already." George told the doctor.

"I'll write my number on the back of my card. Call me if you need to talk any time," The doctor said.

According to the files, none of the city's unsolved murders resembled the dream, or so the doctor said. George suspected it was a lie.

He wondered if murdering a dark-haired lady, whom no one would miss, would end the nightmare. Despite therapy, the dream occurred more frequently. It now came upon him as soon as he was asleep.

He stopped seeing the doctor, who called several times, urging him to return. His appearance suffered. His hair grew longer than it had been during his college years in the early 70's. His beard grew long and untidy. He neglected to bathe. He kept to himself at school and exploded several times in the classroom. His students were too scared to even see him.

"I want to see you after class," he snapped at a dark-haired beauty one day.

"But I didn't do anything," she whined.

When finally they were alone he simply stared at her, at a loss for words. Her lovely dark eyes, filled with fear, had soften him.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, bowing his head. "I haven't been myself lately. I have insomnia. You're dismissed."

She hurried away. He was disappointed she had not tried to communicate with him, but relieved he had not done anything he would have regretted. She has her whole life ahead of her, he told himself, alarmed at the violent scenario his mind had pictured.

Unable to face the confinement of the apartment, he went to the school library and immersed himself in comics. The approach of darkness no longer frightened him. In fact, he welcomed it.As he was making his way through the parking lot, a familiar voice greeted him. Barbara Hilton was beside her car, whose hood was open.

"Destiny calls," he whispered to himself as he approached her.

"By any chance," she said, "would you happen to have jumper cables?"

As long as you don't come near me, he thought, inwardly appalled at the thought of forcing her into his trunk.

"God, it's cold," he said, explaining his shudder. To his relief, she remained under the hood as he got the cables.Despite the boost, the car would not start.

"Now what do I do?" she said, glancing at her watch. "I have class in half an hour. I can't wait for service."

"Where?" George asked.

"Brooklyn College. I'm a few credits short of my Master's." Barbara explained.

"My alma mater. I'll give you a lift. It's on my way." George said.

He was not surprised at the ease with which he had lied. The school, which was not his alma mater, was well out of his way. She had accepted without hesitation, despite appearance, as if she had expected it. Such beauty always had its way. He stopped at a convenience store.

"I'll only be a minute. I'm thirsty. Can I get you anything?" George asked.

She declined. He returned with a large bottle of cola.

"I need my caffeine," he said self consciously.

He scoffed at himself inwardly, as it would make no difference what she thought of him. He calmly sipped at his drink as she described her courses, how much she hated them. He finished the last of it in a single chug and bided his time, waiting for the right moment. The bright lights of an passing vehicle, flashing briefly in his eyes, spurred him.

He swung his arm and struck her in the forehead as she was in mid sentence. She crumpled immediately. She did not even have time to scream, as the attack was so sudden. He struck repeatedly. The car barely swerved. He didn't care if anyone saw him. He just wanted it done, the torment ended.

"So be it," he said, gazing at the motionless body. He struck once more for good measure and the bottle shattered.

"No, no, no," he said, pulling to the side of the road and clearing the glass from her.

To his relief, she hadn't been cut. She had to go into the trunk unmarked.He drove and turned into the driveway of a school for the handicapped where a cousin of his worked, and parked at the carpark. The grounds were deserted. A single light was shining, in a corner room, the janitor, he was sure.

He put Barbara into the trunk, sprinkled broken glass about her and locked her in. He then took a flashlight and opened the trunk, slowly, and shined the light inside.

"Perfect," he said, everything exactly as it was in the dream.

He carried the body into the dumping grounds behind the school, which had the eeriness of a graveyard. He chuckled as he realized the rotting corpse would soon add to the stench of the polluted place. He put her between two boulders, covered her with debris, and hurled her bag and books into the water.

He cruised down the street slowly, wary of the little boy who was kneeling on a skateboard, would dart between parked cars. He sensed the boy did not speak English, as scolding had not deterred him.

Soon he was home. He showered and shaved, alarmed at the length of his hair and his loss of weight, which made him seem like a monster. He vowed to take better care of himself.He settled on the couch, unafraid of sleep for the first time in months, destiny fulfilled. He dreamed he was rolling down the street on a skateboard, a silly grin on his face as neighbors pointed at him accusingly. His hands were outstretched, fingers spread wide as if he were about to choke someone.He awoke abruptly, breathing fast, pale, the dream's message clear. His destiny had not been fulfilled after all. But a kid? He moaned inwardly, passing a hand through his hair. True, he'd fantasized about running the brat over, but only to teach him a lesson. Was he to be a mass murderer? How many would he have to kill? How many innocent hearts would have to be broken?

He was glad his mother was not alive to witness this. It would kill her.He became ill as he recalled what he had done to Barbara Hilton. Had it been a dream? He wondered, hoped, seizing his coat and hurrying out.

He stumbled through the rugged terrain of the dumping ground, gagging at the stench, which seemed to have worsened. Had decomposition begun so quickly? He raced to the site. The body was not there! He sighed and fell to his knees weeping with joy, hands clasped in prayer.As he was driving away, he wondered if the dream would reoccur, now that it had not been fulfilled. He pulled to the side of the road and closed his eyes, summoning sleep. Within minutes the dream was upon him, as intense as ever. Had he taken her out of the trunk or had he dreamed that part?

He reeled as he stepped out of the car, sick to his stomach. Suddenly a rat streaked by. He started and dropped the flashlight. Now the flashlight would not work. Light-headed, he feared he would faint before he completed his investigation. Although there was a streetlight nearby, he felt around the trunk to make certain it was empty. To his relief, he found only broken glass. Suddenly, as he was bent over, the trunk was slammed down on his back. He cried out, momentarily paralyzed, as his spine had been struck. He became unconscious by successive blows. Barbara Hilton, still reeling from the beating, struggled to lift him into the trunk and close it.Upon having regained consciousness, she had wandered about the dumping ground and softball fields before finding her way out. She had reached the place where George was when he was opening the trunk.She groped along the side of the car like a blindwoman, and opened the door. She started the engine and rolled down the driver's window halfway. At that moment a car passed. She fainted as she called out to the driver.

Hours later a patrol car stopped beside the vehicle, whose motor was still running.

"Party's over," said the officer on the passenger side. "You'll hafta spring for a motel. There's one down the road." There was no response."C'mon, sit up. We know you're in there."He shined a flashlight on the front seat. Seeing nothing, he grumbled and stepped out of the car. "Call for an ambulance," he told his partner while cutting off the ignition.

As he was about to begin mouth to mouth resuscitation, Barbara stirred.

The officer felt lumps below her scalp as he lifted her up .There was a bruise on her forehead.

"What's this? What happened?" the officcer asked.

She murmured. He brought an ear close to her lips.

"The trunk?" he said, unsure. "Check it out, Eddie."

The second officer opened the trunk, slowly, and shined a flashlight inside. The body lay crumpled. With dark long hair before its face, the officer's first impression was that it was female.

THE END!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

For this journal i would like to share with everyone my favourite song from one of my favourite bands, The Darkness. The song title is Love is only a feeling.

The Darkness is made up of frontman Justin Hawkins who is the lead vocalist as well as the lead guitarist, Dan Hawkins the rythm guitarist, Frankie Poullain the bassist and drummer Ed Graham. The Darkness play late- 70's hard rock.

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Here is the lyrics to The Darkness's Love Is Only A Feeling:

The first flush of youth was upon you when our eyes first met
And I knew that to you and into your life I had to get
I felt light-headed at the touch of this stranger's hand
An assault my defences systematically failed to withstand

'Cos you came at a time
When the pursuit of one true love in which to fall
Was the be all and end all

Love is only a feeling
Drifting away
When I'm in your arms I start believing
It's here to stay
But love is only a feeling
Anyway

The state of elation that this unison of hearts achieved
I had seen, I had touched, I had tasted and I truly believed
That the light of my life
Would tear a hole right through each cloud that scudded by
Just to beam on you and I

Love is only a feeling
Drifting away
When I'm in your arms I start believing
It's here to stay
But love is only a feeling
Anyway, anyway
Love is only a feeling
Drifting away
And we've got to stop ourselves believing
It's here to stay
'Cos love is only a feeling
Anyway.

THE END!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

80% Alcohol! That is the name of my cousin's band. His band is made up of two guitarist, a vocalist, a bassist and a drummer. My cousin's name is Leroy and he is the vocalist. One the guitarist's name is Kandhiban and he is also my cousin. The other guitarist is Shaun and the drummer is Darren.

There was a campaign called jam@southeast and my cousin's band participated. They had to go to Parkway Parade to perform. I went to see them perform together with my cousin.

They performed from 8pm to 9pm. The first song they performed was I believe in a thing called love by the darkness. In this song Shaun stole the show when he delivered the guitar solos beautifully.

The next song was This Love by maroon 5. I under estimated my cousin's vocal. He sang it very well.

Then the third song was Fall to pieces by Velvet revolver. The fourth was She will be loved also by marron 5. The fifth was Slither by velvet revolver. The sixth was here without you by three doors down. The seventh was Plush by stone temple pilots. For the Plush song, Leroy did not sing it. This time Shaun sang it while playing the guitar and Leroy was the backup vocalist.

Then the next song was their best performance. They performed sweet child o' mine by Guns n Roses. This one, Kandhiban stole the show by playing the intro with the guitar at the back of his head. That was cool.

The next song was the last song and it was an original. It was called Rightfully Here. It was more of a blues rock kind of song.

That was the end of 80% Alcohol's performance. I enjoyed it alot. I seriously under estimated the band. Well who knows, maybe next time you will see an album by 80% Alcohol!

THE END!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Today the weirdest thing happened.There I was in the cinema at plaza singapura, watching ghost train when this old lady that was seating beside me suddenly talked to me. She asked me whether i wanted some of her pop corn.Well i didnt take it I just politely said no thanks.

Then a few minutes later, she talked to me again.This time she asked if i needed to pee. Then again being polite i just said no and continued to watch the movie.Then suddenly she got up and went out of the cinema and she never returned.

So after the movie i went to eat my dinner with all my friends and soon i was on my way home.

I was in the bus when this old lady suddenly sat beside me. To my shock it was the old lady at the cinema. She had a packet of peanuts and asked me if i wanted some.Then without waiting for me to reply she asked me again whether i needed to pee. I freaked out and just got up from my seat and pressed the bell. I got off the next stop.

Eversince that day i never saw that weird old lady again. Okay well now do you need to pee?

THE END!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I had just returned from a camp that was held in church. It was an altar boy's camp. It was really fun.We played lots of games. Well this camp had taught me alot of things. I had also become spiritually matured.

The best part of the camp was the soccer! As usual, my team won! There were many other games like the dress-up game, treasure hunt, human pyramid, impossible circle, sock in "arse" and many more.

For the dress-up game we had to dress up our group leaders with whatever we had. The most creative group won.

The Human Pyramid was difficult but we managed to pull through. Although we did not win, we at least became closer as a team.

Sock in "arse" was fun. The players had to hang their socks in their pants to make it look like a tail. Then they had to try to take out each others socks and of course i was the ultimate champion! Haha! Just joking.

All in all the camp was very fun. We sang songs and just had fun. I almost forgot something! We watched three movies! Constantine, Star Wars and The Amityville Horror. Constantine was a really cool movie and so was star wars but my favourite had to be Amityville horror!!

That is about all I can talk about I guess. Well now i am going to play more soccer with my friends at the void deck!

THE END!

Friday, June 10, 2005

Johor Bahru ! Okay it was a crazy but an interesting country. The crazy thing is that people park their motorbikes in the middle of the road! The interesting part was the food!! The food there was awesome, especially the chendol. The chendol was so good. Not too sweet and just nice.

I went to JB with my family and we stayed at the crystal crown hotel. It was nice and all but the service was not too good.They took very long. The swimming pool was shallow and the chlorine level was too high but all in all it was fun swimming in it. We stayed in JB only for two nights. Most of the time the guys were just chilling in the hotel while the ladies went shopping.

Okay thats about all. Last but not least, i just want to say JB is a reallly nice place!
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One more thing! I would like to add this song from the scorpions titled holiday!

Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Exchange the cold days for the sun
A good time and fun
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Exchange your troubles for some love
Wherever you are
Let me take you far away
You'd like a holiday
Longing for the sun you will come
To the island without name
Longing for the sun be welcome
On the island many miles away from home
Be welcome on the island without name
Longing for the sun you will come
To the island many miles away from home

THE END!